Feline Kidney Message Board (FKMB) Guide to Posting and Etiquette
Welcome to the Feline Kidney Message Board, the group you never wanted to join. If your cat has just been diagnosed with kidney disease, you probably have lots of questions. This is a support group of cat-loving amateurs; we're not experts. If you have posted to introduce yourself and your cat to us (and we hope you will if you haven't already), you are now part of a growing community!
Every community has rules of behavior, sometimes formally laid out, sometimes just "understood" by the members. This Guide to Posting Etiquette contains our community's suggestions for how we can create a safe space for dealing with our cats' health and get the most out of our interactions. Much of it boils down to one rule: Treat other people the way you would like to be treated. (You may have heard that one before.)
Summary of Community Rules:
The purpose of this community is to help people give their diabetic cats the best care possible. We also recognize that dealing with the illness of a beloved animal companion is often very stressful. Therefore, we follow these basic rules of behavior:
1. Introducing Yourself
When registering for an account, we encourage you to use your first name (or pseudonym if you prefer -- we don't care, as long as you're consistent) and your cat's name (or pseudonym if your cat requires privacy); this puts a human "face" on your posts and makes it easy to remember who you are.
You can start a new post by entering the Health Forum and clicking on the "New Topic" link at the top of the page.
When you introduce yourself, we'd like to know your name (first name only), your cat's name, and a little bit of your cat's history: age, sex, symptoms leading up to diagnosis if appropriate, and so forth. Depending on your question, we may have questions for you.
We strongly advise that you never post your full name, telephone number, email address, or exact address on the board.
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2. Topics of Conversation
Topics of conversation fall into roughly four categories:
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3. What you can expect from us
4. What you won't find here
5. What we would like from you
6. General posting suggestions.
The FKMB will have a collaborative, consensus-building communication style. Although arguments can break out, by and large the members of the community have an astonishing ability to keep our eye on the objective: to help, educate, coach, and support other humans with kidney cats. We subscribe to the notion of "paying forward" -- take as much help and support as you need, and give what you can to others in your turn. The following (heretofore unwritten) guidelines have served us well.
Communication styles.
Different people have different conversational styles. Some people are blunt and direct, which can come across as rude or hostile. Others have an indirect style, wrapping their messages with so many qualifiers that the meaning may be unclear. The general tone on the FKMB has been to favor a respectful, less direct style and save the bluntness for important statements such as "Get your cat to the vet now!" But not everyone communicates this way, so it's important to recognize that most people have good intentions and to avoid taking offense. Additionally, be aware that the FKMB is international. Some posters have a first language other than English and should be given more latitude in how they express themselves.
Giving advice.
We all want to help people who are clearly in distress. But we also have to remember that the life of a cat depends on the person getting good advice. If someone asks a question for which you're giving an answer, you should first assess how certain you are that your advice is correct. If you're uncertain, or if you’re giving a personal opinion or experience, make sure that this is clear in your answer. For example:
Controversial topics.
The FKMB is not a monolith of opinion. Keep in mind that people don't always agree on every aspect of care, and don't take it personally when someone disagrees with you. Everyone should be prepared to back up any statements or admit that they are personal opinion. If you see that someone is getting only one answer to a question and you hold a different view (or know that other people do), it's okay to step in.
Disagreeing with someone.
Main rule: disagree without being disagreeable. Avoid personal attacks or sarcastic/condescending digs at people. Use "I" statements whenever possible.
Occasionally, someone's vet will do something we consider tremendously dangerous. Unfortunately, this kind of thing can set off a rant about vets in general, which usually degenerates into anger and hurt feelings. The general consensus here is most vets truly care about animals, but some vets aren't particularly experienced in treating feline chronic kidney disease. It may be a good idea to switch vets if there's evidence that he or she is not up to date on treatment of kidney disease and isn't interested in learning. But generalized bashing of vets does not contribute anything positive.
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7. Difficult situations
What to do if you think that someone has given incomplete or just plain terrible advice.
Step in and give your opinion. All publicly posted "conversations" are open to anyone on the board. Be polite and explain why you disagree with the position. Back up your point of view. If you can see why the person's advice might be good in other circumstances, acknowledge this. In short, treat this as a teaching opportunity.
If someone is repeatedly giving the same "bad" advice, you should first stop and consider whether this is just a difference of opinion, or whether the advice is truly not good for the health of cats. If the former, you can just step in and clarify that “the FKMB has no consensus on this issue." If the latter, a public posting or PM on the side, again phrased politely and respectfully, may be a good idea. If you feel a need to debate the issue, start a separate thread asking for a discussion on the issue, stating the issue, your viewpoint, and other viewpoints (in an unbiased fashion), and see what everyone has to say.
What to do if you disagree with the way someone is treating their cat, including decisions to euthanize or not euthanize.
If a person comes to the board asking for advice and input, you have a right to give it. Many people who come to the board don't know what the best decision is, and are being pressured to euthanize the cat against their better judgment; keep in mind that if they truly thought this was the best option, they would not have done the research and found these online resources.
However, the bottom line is that it's impossible to know another person's true situation, and ultimately everyone has the right to make their own decisions regarding their animals, regardless of how much you might disagree. If you are truly unhappy with someone's decision, you can state that you disagree and explain why, but after that, please either offer to adopt the cat so that you can treat it, or drop the argument. You will not change anyone's mind by venting your anger (in fact, you may have the opposite effect of making them cling to their position), and you may chase off other people by creating what they perceive to be a hostile environment. It's an unfortunate fact of life that we can't save every diabetic cat. We do the best we can.
How to deal with someone who is misbehaving.
First, make sure that you're really witnessing an attack, and not just a debate or difference of opinion. Respectful debate should be encouraged up to the point that the parties are just repeating themselves; personal attack should be stopped. Every member has the right and responsibility to stop the latter. Post a response, identify the offensive behavior, and ask the person to stop indulging in it. If the poster persists, you can report the post to the Moderators and Webmaster by clicking the “Report” button at the bottom of the specific post.
A lesser situation sometimes occurs when a lot of people disagree with an unpopular opinion. Although it's not meant as an attack, it can be perceived that way if someone posts an opinion and twenty people post disagreements. If you see this happening, please refrain from joining the majority crowd on the grounds that the original poster has already gotten the message, or offer some support to the original poster even if it's to defend his or her right to a minority opinion.
Avoiding and stopping pointless conflict.
Sometimes debate or conflict just seems to keep going, long after most people have given up on it and starts wasting valuable space on the board. If such a debate has veered seriously off-topic, is not adding any new information, and/or has started to include personal attacks, then a reasonable option is to report the post.
If you come to feel that your own behavior has been out of line and wish to apologize, do so publicly to help erase hard feelings; public apologies are a gracious course of action. If you are the recipient of such an apology, we advise that you accept it with equal grace, and examine your own words to see if you have anything to apologize for as well.
How to deal with hostile private messages (PMs).
Most of the people on this board are very friendly and helpful. But occasionally we attract someone who's not so nice (some of whom read the board but do not post). If a member is sending you harassing private messages (PMs) through the board, or if you think that the sender may be abusing other people, you can share the PM with someone else on the board whom you trust or report it to a Moderator or the Webmaster. Please note that it’s important to copy the PM to Moderators or the Webmaster as they are not able to see the content of PMs written by members. If you feel physically endangered, report it to the police. Whatever you do, don't let it drive you away from the FDMB! The vast majority of members do not approve of such tactics.
If you're thinking of sending an angry PM to someone, we strongly advise that you not do it. Other board members will find out about it, and you will lose credibility and respect. If you feel the need to criticize someone, what someone is doing or saying, either do it respectfully in public under your usual name, or find some harmless alternative activity.
Anonymous postings.
Anonymous postings will be reported to the webmaster, who has the tools to track down who is doing it. If you can't say what you want to say under your usual name, don't post it. If you're afraid to post a controversial opinion because you think you'll be attacked, privately contact people you trust and ask them for their advice on how to communicate your point of view.
Welcome to the Feline Kidney Message Board, the group you never wanted to join. If your cat has just been diagnosed with kidney disease, you probably have lots of questions. This is a support group of cat-loving amateurs; we're not experts. If you have posted to introduce yourself and your cat to us (and we hope you will if you haven't already), you are now part of a growing community!
Every community has rules of behavior, sometimes formally laid out, sometimes just "understood" by the members. This Guide to Posting Etiquette contains our community's suggestions for how we can create a safe space for dealing with our cats' health and get the most out of our interactions. Much of it boils down to one rule: Treat other people the way you would like to be treated. (You may have heard that one before.)
Summary of Community Rules:
The purpose of this community is to help people give their diabetic cats the best care possible. We also recognize that dealing with the illness of a beloved animal companion is often very stressful. Therefore, we follow these basic rules of behavior:
- Be kind.
- Be polite.
- Inform yourself.
- Never personally attack anyone.
- Recognize that reasonable people can differ on many aspects of treatment.
- Check your ego at the door.
1. Introducing Yourself
When registering for an account, we encourage you to use your first name (or pseudonym if you prefer -- we don't care, as long as you're consistent) and your cat's name (or pseudonym if your cat requires privacy); this puts a human "face" on your posts and makes it easy to remember who you are.
You can start a new post by entering the Health Forum and clicking on the "New Topic" link at the top of the page.
When you introduce yourself, we'd like to know your name (first name only), your cat's name, and a little bit of your cat's history: age, sex, symptoms leading up to diagnosis if appropriate, and so forth. Depending on your question, we may have questions for you.
We strongly advise that you never post your full name, telephone number, email address, or exact address on the board.
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2. Topics of Conversation
Topics of conversation fall into roughly four categories:
- Topics related to the treatment of chronic kidney disease in cats.
- Community Building Topics (appropriate to post, but take care that such messages do not "drown out" the primary purpose of the board):
- birthdays and anniversaries of kidney cats
- major life events of humans such as births, deaths in family, marriages, major illnesses, and things we want to know about because we care about each other as friends
- the occasional humorous post because some days can be depressing
- Off-topic but appropriate for the Community & Off Topic Forum:
- lives of our non-kidney cats and other pets and family members
- life events of humans such as birthdays
- other humor topics (e.g. non-cat-related rants about our in-laws)
- politics, religion, or other controversial topics unrelated to feline health care
- personal criticism of other posters
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3. What you can expect from us
- Emotional support. Most people on the board remember the feelings of being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do upon receiving the diagnosis. Many of us have dealt with cats with multiple illnesses, or family members who did not understand our determination to give our cats good lives. We've experienced the joys of small triumphs. And, knowing what you're going through, we can, if nothing else, be a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, and a cheerleading section.
- Benefit of years of experience and much outside reading and research. Many members of the board have been dealing with chronic kidney disease cats for years. Others have in-depth personal experience with related issues. Some people have responded to their cat's illness by doing much outside reading to understand various aspects of the disease. They have then brought what they learned back to the board. The experience and understanding of these people is available for you to learn from.
- Benefit of the shared experiences from many members who are having their cats treated by noted kidney disease experts and/or at teaching universities using the latest theories of treatment.
- Diversity of opinions. There is no shortage of opinions around here! On many issues, you will find general consensus, but there are other issues on which people here differ. And in many cases, different cats respond differently to the same treatment approach. It may be confusing, but this diversity of opinions and experience can work to your benefit, because you will hear all sides of an issue, pro and con, often in great detail, which is best for making truly informed decisions.
- Safe space to deal with your problems. Although we can't completely prevent occasional rudeness and harsh words, we want you to feel that you can come here and ask questions. If someone gets out of line or attacks you, other people will intervene.
- Honesty. We will tell you when we think a plan of treatment is dangerous for your cat -- even if the plan is your veterinarian's. We respect veterinarian advice and strongly urge you to work with your vet. However, our experience is that some vets, although they may be fine human beings and generally good with animals, are not particularly experienced with the specialty of feline chronic kidney disease. On the other side, we have seen that some owners are not being consistent with the protocol or are making changes without being aware of potential consequences. Because of this, we will tell you if we feel that safety is an issue in any treatment plan.
4. What you won't find here
- Veterinarians. We cannot supply emergency care or advice. If our response to your question or problem is "take your cat to the vet right away!", we are serious, and we can't take responsibility for what happens if you decide not to follow our advice. If money is an issue, say so. We may be able to help you save money or help you find organizations which can provide financial aid.
- Support for the decision not to treat kidney disease. The members of this board have all chosen to treat their cats and will encourage you to do the same. (If you feel that you cannot treat your cat, we encourage you to find a new home for your pet with someone who is willing to treat the kidney disease Such people do exist, but you're not likely to find them quickly, and in the meantime you must give your cat proper treatment, both for his own sake and for the sake of the future owners.)
- Support for the decision to euthanize your otherwise-healthy cat without attempting to treat kidney disease. It is our collective experience that kidney disease does not have to be a death sentence, and many cats with kidney disease can live long happy lives if properly treated. You will find very little sympathy on the board if your intention is to put your newly-diagnosed cat to sleep simply because he has CKD. On the other hand, euthanasia is sometimes the compassionate choice for kidney cats when other conditions overwhelm them, and if the time comes that you have to make that choice, you will find emotional support on the board.
5. What we would like from you
- We want you to treat everyone here with respect. Remember that every other poster is also a human being who is doing the best that they can to deal with kidney disease, and/or volunteering their time to help people out of the goodness of their hearts.
- We'd like you to inform yourself as much as you can.
- We need for you to give us all relevant medical information. In order to help you help your cat, we need to know the complete situation. Kidney disease affects the whole body, so if you've noticed anything unusual or have changed anything about your cat's care or routine, tell us publicly so that we all know what you know.
- We'd like you to realize that you are the ultimate caregiver with the final say on what treatment, diet, etc. your cat should receive. We want you to know that our opinions and advice are not the last word, nor is the vet's, nor is any specific reference paper-- you are the one who must make the decisions, and those decisions should be based on the information you believe is most appropriate for your cat. We strongly recommend care by a competent vet, but you are still the final decision maker for your cat.
- We'd like you to contribute back to the community when you feel ready to do so. For example, you can help welcome newcomers, offer them emotional support and the benefit of your personal experience, and point them to any online readings which have helped you. Or, if you're the type who likes to spend time learning new things, you can do outside research and reading to contribute to our collective knowledge and experience. Maybe you are in a health profession: then you have much to offer us in terms of your personal experience. Please share what you can! If you can't share here, then please help someone in some other area of life.
6. General posting suggestions.
The FKMB will have a collaborative, consensus-building communication style. Although arguments can break out, by and large the members of the community have an astonishing ability to keep our eye on the objective: to help, educate, coach, and support other humans with kidney cats. We subscribe to the notion of "paying forward" -- take as much help and support as you need, and give what you can to others in your turn. The following (heretofore unwritten) guidelines have served us well.
Communication styles.
Different people have different conversational styles. Some people are blunt and direct, which can come across as rude or hostile. Others have an indirect style, wrapping their messages with so many qualifiers that the meaning may be unclear. The general tone on the FKMB has been to favor a respectful, less direct style and save the bluntness for important statements such as "Get your cat to the vet now!" But not everyone communicates this way, so it's important to recognize that most people have good intentions and to avoid taking offense. Additionally, be aware that the FKMB is international. Some posters have a first language other than English and should be given more latitude in how they express themselves.
Giving advice.
We all want to help people who are clearly in distress. But we also have to remember that the life of a cat depends on the person getting good advice. If someone asks a question for which you're giving an answer, you should first assess how certain you are that your advice is correct. If you're uncertain, or if you’re giving a personal opinion or experience, make sure that this is clear in your answer. For example:
- "If I recall correctly..."
- "My personal opinion is..."
- "I think that <blank>, but wait until a more experienced member comes along to confirm this."
- "Take a look at www.felinekidney.com (specific topic) for some tips on giving injections."
- "Question 6.3 in our FAQ discusses in more detail what to do when your can't won't eat."
- "I treated a cat for 2 years."
- "I had a kidney cat who lived to be 20 years old."
- "I work as a medical technician."
Controversial topics.
The FKMB is not a monolith of opinion. Keep in mind that people don't always agree on every aspect of care, and don't take it personally when someone disagrees with you. Everyone should be prepared to back up any statements or admit that they are personal opinion. If you see that someone is getting only one answer to a question and you hold a different view (or know that other people do), it's okay to step in.
Disagreeing with someone.
Main rule: disagree without being disagreeable. Avoid personal attacks or sarcastic/condescending digs at people. Use "I" statements whenever possible.
- Bad way to disagree: "Jeez, Janet, you've put your foot in it again. Are you trying to set a record for most wrong statements in one week?"
- Good way to disagree: "I disagree with Janet's position. Explain."
Occasionally, someone's vet will do something we consider tremendously dangerous. Unfortunately, this kind of thing can set off a rant about vets in general, which usually degenerates into anger and hurt feelings. The general consensus here is most vets truly care about animals, but some vets aren't particularly experienced in treating feline chronic kidney disease. It may be a good idea to switch vets if there's evidence that he or she is not up to date on treatment of kidney disease and isn't interested in learning. But generalized bashing of vets does not contribute anything positive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Difficult situations
What to do if you think that someone has given incomplete or just plain terrible advice.
Step in and give your opinion. All publicly posted "conversations" are open to anyone on the board. Be polite and explain why you disagree with the position. Back up your point of view. If you can see why the person's advice might be good in other circumstances, acknowledge this. In short, treat this as a teaching opportunity.
If someone is repeatedly giving the same "bad" advice, you should first stop and consider whether this is just a difference of opinion, or whether the advice is truly not good for the health of cats. If the former, you can just step in and clarify that “the FKMB has no consensus on this issue." If the latter, a public posting or PM on the side, again phrased politely and respectfully, may be a good idea. If you feel a need to debate the issue, start a separate thread asking for a discussion on the issue, stating the issue, your viewpoint, and other viewpoints (in an unbiased fashion), and see what everyone has to say.
What to do if you disagree with the way someone is treating their cat, including decisions to euthanize or not euthanize.
If a person comes to the board asking for advice and input, you have a right to give it. Many people who come to the board don't know what the best decision is, and are being pressured to euthanize the cat against their better judgment; keep in mind that if they truly thought this was the best option, they would not have done the research and found these online resources.
However, the bottom line is that it's impossible to know another person's true situation, and ultimately everyone has the right to make their own decisions regarding their animals, regardless of how much you might disagree. If you are truly unhappy with someone's decision, you can state that you disagree and explain why, but after that, please either offer to adopt the cat so that you can treat it, or drop the argument. You will not change anyone's mind by venting your anger (in fact, you may have the opposite effect of making them cling to their position), and you may chase off other people by creating what they perceive to be a hostile environment. It's an unfortunate fact of life that we can't save every diabetic cat. We do the best we can.
How to deal with someone who is misbehaving.
First, make sure that you're really witnessing an attack, and not just a debate or difference of opinion. Respectful debate should be encouraged up to the point that the parties are just repeating themselves; personal attack should be stopped. Every member has the right and responsibility to stop the latter. Post a response, identify the offensive behavior, and ask the person to stop indulging in it. If the poster persists, you can report the post to the Moderators and Webmaster by clicking the “Report” button at the bottom of the specific post.
A lesser situation sometimes occurs when a lot of people disagree with an unpopular opinion. Although it's not meant as an attack, it can be perceived that way if someone posts an opinion and twenty people post disagreements. If you see this happening, please refrain from joining the majority crowd on the grounds that the original poster has already gotten the message, or offer some support to the original poster even if it's to defend his or her right to a minority opinion.
Avoiding and stopping pointless conflict.
Sometimes debate or conflict just seems to keep going, long after most people have given up on it and starts wasting valuable space on the board. If such a debate has veered seriously off-topic, is not adding any new information, and/or has started to include personal attacks, then a reasonable option is to report the post.
If you come to feel that your own behavior has been out of line and wish to apologize, do so publicly to help erase hard feelings; public apologies are a gracious course of action. If you are the recipient of such an apology, we advise that you accept it with equal grace, and examine your own words to see if you have anything to apologize for as well.
How to deal with hostile private messages (PMs).
Most of the people on this board are very friendly and helpful. But occasionally we attract someone who's not so nice (some of whom read the board but do not post). If a member is sending you harassing private messages (PMs) through the board, or if you think that the sender may be abusing other people, you can share the PM with someone else on the board whom you trust or report it to a Moderator or the Webmaster. Please note that it’s important to copy the PM to Moderators or the Webmaster as they are not able to see the content of PMs written by members. If you feel physically endangered, report it to the police. Whatever you do, don't let it drive you away from the FDMB! The vast majority of members do not approve of such tactics.
If you're thinking of sending an angry PM to someone, we strongly advise that you not do it. Other board members will find out about it, and you will lose credibility and respect. If you feel the need to criticize someone, what someone is doing or saying, either do it respectfully in public under your usual name, or find some harmless alternative activity.
Anonymous postings.
Anonymous postings will be reported to the webmaster, who has the tools to track down who is doing it. If you can't say what you want to say under your usual name, don't post it. If you're afraid to post a controversial opinion because you think you'll be attacked, privately contact people you trust and ask them for their advice on how to communicate your point of view.